so many problems, so little time.

A lot of things have been going thru my mind lately. My almost non-existent job that is killing me slowly. My boss who has killed my passion for design and everything nice and pretty. My family, well, they do give me headaches sometimes. My relationship... aha, the biggest problem so far.

No, it was never a problem with the boyfriend. Just that we're both gonna be really busy, especially him, and well, me as well... so I think we're kinda losing the spark in our relationship. I know I know, things like these happen to all couple, you say. But really, is there a better way to handle this... strain that's so... strained? I feel like telling him what I'm actually thinking but I didn't. My ego's too big for that, too big for this.

You can't really force a man to do something that he's not ready for yet. Especially not something that triggered the breakup of his previous relationship, with his ex. Speaking of which, I'm really bothered by that display picture of his ex in his Whatsapp. I mean, why would people just go and set up a profile picture of their ex in their phone where else none of the other contacts have any display? I'm pretty sure he set the display picture himself because yeah, I wouldn't go and do something so disturbing. It gets me wondering maybe a lil too much whether he still has a thing for his ex.

I'm perturbed.

I know. Pathetic, right?

But you won't feel the slightest disturbed if you don't really love that person. So I guess it's healthy that I'm feeling jealous just because of the whole stupid display picture on his phone app. Yeah.

time for myself

A lot of things got me wondering recently. Like, how long am I going to keep this up? Like, what am I doing right now? Is this what I really want to do and what I want to feel/achieve in the long run? If I keep this up, where will I be in five years time?

Thoughts like that are scary, but they're something that I can't avoid forever.

So, I sat down and think, think, think and think. I have my life planned out, though not whole, maybe for another few years and I think the plans will sound pretty ordinary, nothing special kind of way, just a normal life where I will get to carry out my social responsibilities and do what people expects me to do.

I can do them, of course.

But the question is, will I be happy?

Now, that is the real question here.

I've wasted six years being with a few people who loves me and whom I loved back in return, albeit not whole-heartedly, except for my first and get nothing out of the somewhat happy relationship by the end of the day. At my getting old age, I should be settled happily and waiting for the bells to ring, but here I am, floating in the midst of no where. I'm getting there, but not yet. I like being single, because I get to hang out with my friends whenever I like be in boys or girls and not worry about someone out there wailing on the phone prompting me to get home immediately once they found out that I'm out having fun without them. But when you're single, you tend to long for someone to care and that's why you will jump back into the love bandwagon and sail through the rocky sea once again. And if you're lucky, you might find buried treasures on your journey, too.

I did exactly that, only on the jumping back part. I've yet to discover treasures, mind you.

Being in a relationship is not as easy as you think or as it seems. It's suffocating to play so many bazillion different roles. It isn't easy being a daughter, sister, lover, girlfriend, friend and colleague to people that I love and respect. People expect a lot, which is the norm. Everyone is the same, everyone expects the same thing. But what sets us apart is how we will handle our roles.

I'm bad at multi-tasking, not really bad bad, but not good enough to be called good. So sometimes, I tend to get stuck somewhere in between and can't get out of my roles. Each roles has its own script and responsibilities. Perhaps to say script is a bit too much, but you get what I mean. When I get stuck between being a lover and girlfriend, I go crazy and emotional and throw things, which often happens, and which this two roles always create problems for me until I can't tell the difference between them anymore.

And because these two roles clashes with each other so often, I start to think whether it is my problem or my other half's. When you start to think that way, you'll get the hunch that something is not right. Often, I just ignore it because I'm the type of person who lets sleeping dogs lie. I don't like to make a fuss out of everything, making it big when it is actually something minuscule. Things that I can let slide, I let them slide. What's the point in making things complicated when by the end of the day, it is you who gets to clean up the whole mess?

That is my principle and I live by it.

I believe that tolerating with people gets you further in relationships and connections. If they don't step on you, you don't cross their boundaries. It's as simple as that. You do you own thing, they do theirs. Treat others as how they treat you, this, I always tell people. If you fucked up, pick yourself up and start over again. If you break up, it's not the end of the world. People break up every minute in the world and you don't see earth stop spinning, do you?

I don't like it when people invade my personal space, I'm sure a lot of people don't too, be it my lover or my family. I'm the type who likes to have my own little world sometimes when I feel like it. When I chat with my friends or exchange text messages via cellphones, I don't expect people that I trust who I think trusts me in return, to snoop around reading my conversations. Text messages meant no harm and they are just datas on the phone. Don't make a big deal of out everything that I do with my friends. I don't go around checking people's personal stuffs, so they shouldn't go around reading mine as well. There is no need to ask every time someone calls me or texts me, who is it? Everyone has their own lives, I have mine, you have yours. Period.

It gets old when people do that too often. Maybe every text messages and they will question about the content. This is not care that you're showing. You're suffocating your loved ones and making me them stupid. It feels like they're doing something wrong talking to a friend and that you never trust them at all. Do that more, and they will feel like they will give up on everything that they've once worked so hard in building.

I don't get it why some lovers like to know every single activities or details about their lover? There is a thing called privacy in this world. As much as your lover loves you, if you don't trust them, they won't trust you as well. As guess what? Relationships are built on trust.

If you don't learn to trust and tolerate, you lose everything.

Harsh reality, eh?

This is life. Live with it.


P/S: I know that some drama will happen after someone reads this but, really, this is just my personal point of view. There is no need, again, to make a big deal out of this. I'm speaking generally here and not targeting anyone, so if there's anyone out there that feel offended, I'm sorry.

shopping at sunway with sis

As the title says.

Doris with her curry don at Kim Gary ♥

My lunch set: Garlic prok chop with rice, borsch soup and HK tea ♥ 

Reached there at 1PM and got led down the a very unflattering carpark area and then called my sister for help. She found me 5 minutes later and lead me back to a safer place. Funny, right? Anyway, while we were there, we tried on a lot of clothes from Nichii and Kitschen, browsed for skin care at Skin Food and bought mum her aloe vera facial foam. Then loitered around and looked for LG Lolipop again. My sister is eager to buy that cute phone and she's settling for grey color, will buy it once her salary is out next month. I can't wait to camwhore with her new phone. Heh.

Our last activity for the day is to buy cooking ingredients so that she can cook for herself and my brother for the next few days. I want dinner! -cries- She actually planned to buy baking ingredients too but Giant ran out of chocolate chips so we ended up not buying any. I want cookies! -sadface-

I'm hungry. I just remembered that I should be buying myself a new pair of contacts. The current one I'm wearing expires on the 15th this month. Four more days to go. And I'm just too lazy to move my arse over there for an eye checkup. Maybe tomorrow. I just hope that they can like, do speedy ordering and delivery to me within say, 3 days?

LOL.

Work's tomorrow. Blergh.

hiatus

My comp died on me. Will be on hiatus until I get my lazy arse off the bed and drag it over to DigiMall to get it fixed. :)