so many problems, so little time.

A lot of things have been going thru my mind lately. My almost non-existent job that is killing me slowly. My boss who has killed my passion for design and everything nice and pretty. My family, well, they do give me headaches sometimes. My relationship... aha, the biggest problem so far.

No, it was never a problem with the boyfriend. Just that we're both gonna be really busy, especially him, and well, me as well... so I think we're kinda losing the spark in our relationship. I know I know, things like these happen to all couple, you say. But really, is there a better way to handle this... strain that's so... strained? I feel like telling him what I'm actually thinking but I didn't. My ego's too big for that, too big for this.

You can't really force a man to do something that he's not ready for yet. Especially not something that triggered the breakup of his previous relationship, with his ex. Speaking of which, I'm really bothered by that display picture of his ex in his Whatsapp. I mean, why would people just go and set up a profile picture of their ex in their phone where else none of the other contacts have any display? I'm pretty sure he set the display picture himself because yeah, I wouldn't go and do something so disturbing. It gets me wondering maybe a lil too much whether he still has a thing for his ex.

I'm perturbed.

I know. Pathetic, right?

But you won't feel the slightest disturbed if you don't really love that person. So I guess it's healthy that I'm feeling jealous just because of the whole stupid display picture on his phone app. Yeah.

shading skin.

Something is happening to the skin on my face. It's like I'm shading skin. Ugh. Why is this happening to me?? I've been applying moisturizer and lotion everyday but still, my skin is still peeling! -sadsad- I hope it'll be over soon because this sucks big time.

life.

Something just hit my today.

I'm twenty-five turning twenty-six.

I've done anything in my life that I can be proud of.

E.g. Go crazy with wild and pretty friends and go clubbing until I'm dead drunk and vomits in the toilet while passing out. Have erotic ONS with a super handsome girl/dude and then wake up the next morning screaming at each other in the bed.

Maybe I can blame it on my parents for the good upbringing. But sometimes, I wish I'm not such a good girl.

I want to do crazy stuffs.

Not drugs.

Just that, I wish my life is much more colorful than this grey period I've been in my whole life. Yeah, that.

And to be more free. I hate it when people interrogate me on things that I do.

sudden memory lane.

Used a new hair conditioner today because my hair's getting more and more dry with all the hair styling products that I've been using recently. The conditioner smell reminds me of L. She always, always have this smell in her hair no matter where and when. If I were to list out things that will take me down the memory lane with her again, it would be the hair conditioner and a long-lost smell of her laundry. Her clothes always have this particular smell, and I have no idea whether it's her detergent or softener or sweat. Perhaps the last option doesn't belong in there but yeah, I like that smell on her. Like a lot, lot.

When you've been smelling the same smell for five going to six years (we were together for that long huh? it sounds surreal), you tend to get used to it. It reminds you of things you've lost and forgotten. You'll never know when you're going to experience it back and then one day, wham!, it hits you right there. Here, in your heart. I love memories like these. It makes me feel like, a part of me is gone, or grown up. Like it has suddenly grown a pair of wings and flew away or something and you can't even grasp it.

I don't know why I'm being emotional today. Maybe it's the rain, or that not so good dinner I just had, or maybe just lack of company, with the four walls talking among themselves in silence that I don't understand. Or maybe it's Rene's songs that got me this way (by the way, saw a forum topic about her yesterday saying that she's a closet lesbian. Wow. Still, love her songs!). Or maybe that hair conditioner? Heh.

I have so much to say in here but I don't know where to start. And hey, guess what? Speaking of the devil, L just called when I'm writing this paragraph. She wanted to know what to help me buy for tomorrow's lunch. I'll take bitter gourd chicken rice, I said and her voice doesn't even ring a bell, nothing special, just everyday occurrences. I don't cringe listening to it nor I feel sad thinking about those phone calls in the past. I think I've really let it go, huh?

For a five going to six years of relationship, letting go is the hardest part. But now that I have someone new who loves me (I wonder) and takes care of me (kinda), it's not that hard after all. I think the feelings died the day we broke up, but it's just me who's always holding onto that piece of hope, hope of reconciliation. It's always me, the loyal one, who's always hurting myself. But today, today when the hair conditioner smell brings me back to the past, I stand inside the shower room and think, it doesn't matter anymore. 

The feelings are all gone. It's over, my heart says.

And this time, I'm proud of myself.