untitled

I'm such an emo. But I can't help myself feeling this way. Things haven't exactly been sailing smooth for me lately. Maybe it is, maybe I'm the one complicating it or maybe, it really isn't. I don't know.

Us humans don't really show our emotions that easily. At least, I know I don't. I'm always guarded, that's why my emotions are like riding in a roller coaster most of the time. I can be very happy at one moment, and then very down the next. I go to work in the morning, drag myself out of my bed and arrived in the office feeling lazy. And then, as I emerge myself into my work, I forget about all the sad and not-so-happy things. Things that I don't like and are not fond of will be pushed back into the back of my mind... at least, until after work that is. Right after I jump into my car and start the engine, my mind immediately whirls back to the carefully hidden things again. If I get lucky, I'll stay safe and sail on to the next dawn break.

If I don't, I break down. Simple as that.

And so, I broke down today.

I'm not writing this post to blame anyone. Really. But I just want to be really honest in here. I know I'm being an irrational brat for not thinking about others and just being selfish but really, I'm not blaming anyone. No hard feelings, it's just me being stupid and emotional.

I was happy today, not happy-happy, but just happy. You get what I mean. I was really looking forward to today's shopping after work. I've been wanting to do that since last weekend. I wanted to have my eyebrows threaded and buy some make-up stuffs for CNY and maybe some extra clothes. And so, I got off from work and called my friend on my way home, asking her where were she and when and where we should meet up and all that stuffs. I wasn't expecting her to say that she was tired and can we put it off until later? I can't really describe how I felt that moment. I know, it wasn't the end of the world or anything serious but really, I felt... cheated? Idk.

So, fine. I totally understand that she's tired so I just told her brightly that okay, let's do it tomorrow instead and hung up. The thing is, she told me the same thing yesterday, too. I called Wabbit seven times right after and got an error dial tone every time. Feeling like a lost ghost, I drove aimlessly and then realized that I've reached Jaya One. I parked my car and went up to look for Wabbit.

I expected her to approach me the very second she saw me but she didn't. No, she wasn't serving or talking to any customers that time. It's just that her manager was there. So, fine. I can totally understand that she can't talk to me while her manager is around or she'll be accused of slacking off. So I went to the back of the bar and talked to her other colleagues instead.

Then, I texted my other friend and asked whether she's free or not? and when she gave me a positive answer, I asked her whether she can come out or not? and when she said okay, I was kind of happy again. I thought that my shopping plan can be carried out after all. But then, she told me that she's doing a face mask and can I wait another half an hour before we go? and that got me down again. I know, I know. It's just a facial, right? It's not like she rejected me or anything.

But I wasn't thinking about that at time time because I was being stupid. The moment I saw her text, I had this really disturbing thought in my head: I'm being a nuisance. I was really afraid that she didn't want to go out with me and thought up excuses to gently let me down. I was really, really afraid. So, I texted her and told her that I'm suddenly lazy and doesn't want to go out anymore and made some plans to do it later.

There. Can you feel how insecure I am?

I don't want to be a nuisance to anyone but it seems like I always end up being one to them. -sadface-

Then I go up to the front to look for Wabbit, because I wanted to see her and then, maybe, maybe somehow she can sense that I'm not alright and assure me that I'll be okay. But she didn't. Or maybe she did, but she didn't because she's on duty and her manager was there all the time. But really, does it hurt to let your staff talk to their friends while they're on duty? Maybe someone really needed it.

I know I needed it.

That is one of the reasons why I really dislike her job. Dislike, not hate. Hate is too strong to be used here. I know, I used to work at the same place as her. But I don't now, so I can complain as much as I want. I really, really want to have someone who can go out to dinner with me after work and then maybe we can go window shopping for a while before we get tired and go home and sleep. I really, really wanted that kind of lifestyle but her job makes it impossible. I want my other half to be able to go out and have fun with me on Friday and Saturday nights and not running around serving obnoxious rich people and come home after I'm fast asleep in bed. Not to ask me to go out and have fun on weekdays night or want me to go out with supper with at wee hours in the morning when I'm already tired working for the whole day and should be in bed before twelve because I have a day job and need to wake up at eight in the morning tomorrow.

I know she's going to throw a fit or be emotional when she reads this but I don't care. I'm tired of eating dinner alone and being alone after work and coming home to an empty and dark house alone and, I want my feelings to be known. That's all.

Anyways, I broke down in my car after I came back from loitering around Jaya One with nothing to do and cried for a good few minutes until I tell myself to stop. It's not worth it and it's already enough even if it is only a few minutes. The last time I cried really, really hard was when I broke up with my ex.

I feel better after crying. But really, I've felt better.